Different
by shingekinorivaille
Summary: She can't put her everything into him because that's not her. [rule 63 Eren/Jean]


**Different**

In a short week, they would be headed to Shiganshina. Only a week. Eren could feel _something _swimming in the pit of her stomach, although she couldn't quite place the feeling. She thinks she feels anxious, or scared. The feeling is constantly pulsating through her veins and she feels sick, but she knows she has to hide it for the sake of those around her. So many people have died because of her and she can't let their deaths be pointless.

It's late and everyone else should be deep asleep, but she's laying in bed, wide awake, turquoise eyes fixed on the ceiling. Heaving a deep sigh, she pushes the covers back and slips out of the uncomfortable bed. The stone floor is cold beneath her feet, but she moves swiftly and silently through the castle.

She pauses in front of his door, her hand resting gently on the handle. She listens for a moment to see if she can hear anyone else stirring within the castle, but she only hears her own breath. She pushes the door open and slips into Jean's room quietly. The door clicks closed behind her and she hears Jean stir.

He makes a low hum when he sees it's her, only able to make out her features due to the moonlight shining in from the window. He scoots to one side of the tiny bed and she curls into his side, sighing softly when he pulls her closely with tired movements. "What's wrong?" he whispers into her hair.

"The same as always," she replies with no hesitation, her hot breath tickling his neck.

His hand sleepily rubs her back in a circling motion, "I'm sorry."

"Nothing you can do," she says, repositioning herself to look into his eyes. He looks exhausted, and not from being woken up in the middle of night. He's too young to have seen so much. So is she, she realizes and releases another sigh, this one heavier than the last.

"Anything else?" he asks, tucking a stray hair behind her ear.

"We've been through so much."

"I know."

"Are you okay? There's so much we haven't talked about."

This time, he sighs. "You mean Marco."

"I do."

He swallows thickly, "I'm okay, Eren. I'm okay."

She stares at him, waiting. She knows that this one time, she can't pry. She has to let him talk about it when he's ready and the more she pushes him, the longer it'll take.

"I'm tired, Eren," he says, and she knows that he doesn't mean he wants to sleep right now. "If he was still alive, I wouldn't be here. This is where I need to be. He always knew how to push me in the right direction. I miss him, but I'm okay."

She nods, her hand resting on his cheek. She traces his features with her fingers and he watches her intently. He doesn't know when it happened, but this girl means so much to him. The passion that resides in her fiery eyes despite the fears she has of herself makes his heart pound a little faster in his chest. It makes him want to protect her, but also to fight alongside her. He can't help but wonder when he went from hating her to loving her. He wants to love her with everything he has - every ounce of his being - but he knows that's not the world they live in.

The world they live in forces them to fight to survive. She can't put her everything into him because that's not her. Most of her life goes into this fight for survival; not only for herself, but for the sake of mankind. Much more rests on her shoulders than anyone else's and he can never understand that, not fully. The best he can do is fight with her and hope that these fleeting moments don't disappear into nothingness because the worst happened.

Her eyes are full of questions, some that he can answer and some that he can't. "What?"

"The way you're looking at me. It's new. Different. Is there something else?" she sounds genuinely curious, her voice still hardly above a whisper. (Levi walking in right now would definitely cause some issues.)

He laughs softly, "I guess. I was thinking about you. I was thinking about how you inspire me to keep fighting. How you care so much for everyone else around you. How you move forward even though you're terrified. It's amazing."

She smiles a little, "Oh? I inspire you? Imagine younger you hearing you say that."

"Shut up," he says, thankful for the dark room covering his burning cheeks, "I still have more to say."

"Like what?"

He's silent for a moment. Now _this _is what he can't imagine his younger self saying to Eren, even though he's said it millions of times by this point. "I love you."

She stares at him for what feels like an eternity. When she speaks, her voice is small, "Why?"

"All of the reasons I told you and more."

She lets out a quiet laugh, "Well, Jean Kirschstein, I love you too." Eren feels it somewhere deep in her heart. It's nowhere near a lie, but she can't help feeling a little more terrified than before. Each time they say those words, she knows her hear will break a little more when the inevitable happens. knows that in reality, Jean wouldn't cause her to lose focus on the battlefield, but if something happened to him, then what?

Then what?

* * *

**I want to write about how Eren is currently doing in the manga in this au, but it's hard. Anyways, let me know what you thought!**


End file.
